I miss Carson so much I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I hate feeling that way, like such an incomplete person. I am incomplete in so many ways that are my own fault, and yet I feel it most when I lose the person with whom I've shared a deep and personal love.

He has a chance to be happy. There was such a low probability of any kind of opportunity opening itself to him. He could have everything he wants right now. I keep telling myself the reason he hasn't taken it yet is because he's scared, comfortable in his life here, intent on being miserable, etc.

The truth is he hasn't gone yet because leaving me is a decision that is literally eating away at him.


I never wanted to say or write that because it sounds so immensely vain. Still, he told me this to my face! I asked him what was keeping him here and told him he wasn't allowed to say me. All he could do was kinda grin sheepishly and shrug his shoulders (and that's not within his character to do). I yelled, "NO!!!!" and he laughed and said "WHAT?!" as I threw my hands back and collapsed on the bed. I told him I COULDN'T be the only thing keeping here because that meant there was no reasonable explanation as to why he should stay. I told him that of course I want him to be near me, but if such a fabulous opportunity arises he would be nuts to pass it up.

That was back in July.

I offered to go with him. Not right away. I thought it right away, but needed time to think. In August, I told him I was open to going with him. I was so intent on going, but I think that it's not part of the deal. There's something shady about the move that he's not telling me. It could just be that the house is not suitable for me. It could be that the man lending him the house is not too interested in Carson shacking up with a chick he doesn't know in the house he's basically GIVING him for a year. (wow, run-on sentence).

He has been checking in with me via text periodically. I know he's been scrambling for money in preparation for the move and so has been working a LOT. We haven't seen each other and I know a part of that is because he knows he has to make this decision. Seeing me will make it harder for him to decide to go. I know him well enough to interpret his actions. He knows me well enough to send me signs so I can put two and two together without him having to tell me. Between the texts, the avoidance of seeing one another in person, and his newfound expression through facebook status messages, I get it.

I want him to go.


I haven't been seeing him lately and although I do miss him like crazy, I know I have to move on with my life. I have my own things to handle. If we were meant to be, we'll be. That's the point I got to with Brian too. It's sad, because when you truly love someone like I love Brian and Carson, they take a piece of you with them. You don't believe you'll find a love like that again and you miss them as an individual, and a friend so much. I miss having Brian in my life. I miss every smile and devious look that washed over that boy's face. I already miss having Carson in my life. I will miss the conversations, intimacy, trust, etc. that we had between us.

I STILL miss and love Brian, so I know that I'll always miss and love Carson when he goes. However, if I never moved on from Brian I never would have had what I did with Carson. I wouldn't trade my time with Carson for anything.

I do believe in fate. If I am meant to be with either of those men I've been so intensely in love with then at some point our paths will cross again, the timing will be right, and it will happen. Otherwise I will meet someone else and fall just as deeply as I did for the first two, if not more.


Either that or I will end up 35, alone, and get a few more cats....

I've had this image in my head lately. It's of me in a hot air balloon. You know how they have all those weights tied over the balloon to keep it grounded? I picture myself in the balloon, by myself, calmly and systematically cutting each rope and releasing the weights. With each snapping string the balloon floats higher and higher until eventually it just takes off into the sky.

When I think about it this incredible feeling of freedom washes over me.

I feel all the cliches attached to this metaphor. I feel lighter than air. I feel like I can fly. I feel like I'm gaining new perspective.


I like that feeling. Big things are coming for me if I open myself up to them. If I can cut all these weights than I can really get my life to a point where I no longer feel sullen or trapped. I have the ability to do great things for myself and I just can't even find a reason within myself why I have not begun the journey yet. I keep talking about it. I talk about getting myself in order, but the truth is that I am hopelessly lost. I have no idea how to properly motivate myself. I don't really know what I want out of life. I think in such broad terms that it makes it easy to speculate about what I could/should be doing. However it makes it very difficult to formulate a plan for my current situation. It's become hard for me to SEE the next step in life, let alone make a plan to reach it.


I've been thinking a lot about two different career paths. Grant-writing and paralegal. They've both been things I've been considering for at least 3 years. Both career paths would take a lot of hard work. As a pattern, I have gone out of my way to avoid hard work. I am a talented, intelligent woman who has gone out of her way to live a lazy, unmotivated life. That's how I feel. I DESERVE to be working in retail right now.

I worked hard for Cathy, but took advantage of every opportunity I had to slack off. At the casino I worked harder than I ever have in my life and I lost myself in it. When I came out of it I decided to work for Aveda. I returned to being lazy, and then heard stories about how my old casino boss to this day asserts to other employees that her old supervisor didn't do anything except order ridiculous things and walk around doing nothing all day.(wow, super run on sentence that I am NOT correcting lol) I made myself such a presence with the right people that I really am not professionally affected by that. My file is filled with examples of what I did and how hard I worked. On top of that, she is legally not allowed to give a poor reference or a reference not based on fact. She must be able to back up anything she says and the types of questions asked when contacting a reference are questions that she will have to answer in a positive way based on the information recorded in my HR file. The only bad thing she can say is that I had a tendency to run late. She can (and will) put as much emphasis on that as she can because it is a negative she is allowed to mention.

Still, her saying that to current employees makes me feel as though even when I was working my hardest, I was still viewed by my direct supervisor as a lazy person. Even when I was doing HER job, she still saw me as lazy. Is that all I'll ever be? Am I capable of really working as hard as I need to in order to be successful? Could it be possible that I am one of a myriad of average people meant to lead a paycheck-to-paycheck, unfulfilling, lower middle-class life?


I need to try. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I can't keep saying I "could if I wanted to" because I don't know anymore if that's true. Do I "want to" badly enough now to finally DO something? I think I really am at that point. So now it's a matter of finding out what I want badly enough.


These are the things I should be focusing on right now. My priorities for my life have always been so far out of whack. I concentrate on personal relationships so much that I lose sight of what I'm doing with MY life. I worry about other people so much. I want meaningful friendships, I want a meaningful relationship, I want to have a good relationship with my family. That's always been most important to me. So important that nothing else has mattered. It's time for these things to start mattering.

It's time to stop getting wrapped up in others and the smaller picture. It's time to worry about myself and the big picture.

Now time for showering, checking finances, ordering dinner, cleaning, and making a plan for tomorrow. If I get a chance, it's time to post about the events of this incredibly interesting weekend.

Today I woke up to a phone call from Diana and, shortly after, a text from Carson around 9 AM.

We spent part of the day together. He had just gotten out of work, worked through the night, and he came right to me. I let him know I had off today and had cleared the day to be in Manayunk instead of the beach. The beach is tomorrow-Tuesday.

His work is about 45 minutes away from me, without traffic. A minimum 45 minute drive through the city. That is an absolute beast of a commute.

We spent about six hours together. He was so tired.

We had morning coffee together. He played with Kyan. We lounged on the couch. We talked to Nic. We talked about moving to Conneticut. He brought it up. We were on the deck and he was having a smoke. He told me what he would do to the yard if he lived here. I said I would probably put work into it, or have someone help me with it, if I knew I was going to be there for a while. "But I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here," I said. "Hopefully not too much longer," he said with a smirk, "Oh, did I say that?"

We talked about Mystic. That's where we would be, Mystic, Conneticut. We talked about that, we talked about the doctor's appointment he just had, we talked about work, etc. We finished our coffee. We went upstairs. He took a shower as I lounged in my black nightgown and sheer black shawl reading Cannery Row on my bed in the light of the window.

He came in and said, "Oh, the old 'pretending to read a book' pose, huh?"

I laughed, "No, I'm ACTUALLY reading! Steinbeck!" He gave me this look like he adored me. We spent some time laughing, and enjoying being together.

Then? We slept for 2 and a half hours.

It was my absolute favorite part of the whole day. We began just laying there against each other and before we knew it, we were drifting in and out of sleep. It was so significant for us. We have never been able to fall asleep next to each other. We're always soaking up every minute we get to share. We try to make up for all the time we spend apart by drowning in every minute we're together.

After a half an hour of laying there still, he stirred. I thought it was over then, he can never stay still for long, but all he did was draw the sheet over us and hold me tighter.

I reveled in every second of it. The way he looked, the steady and shallow breaths he took, everything.

Later he told me groggily that he was pretty surprised he could actually fall asleep. He said he was just so comfortable with me. He couldn't remember the last time he was that comfortable. He's told me before he was never even comfortable enough to be close (on that level) with his ex-wife. Honestly, I don't ever remember being that comfortable with someone either. I've fallen asleep with people before, but my mind is always going. With Carson, I was just...still. I was so clear-headed and worry/stress was far from my mind.

We took a ride to Wawa at some point. He was so happy, put some music on, and kept his hand on the shifter. I put my hand over his, and he raised it to his lips and gave it a kiss without even looking over at me. To look at us in that moment, we looked like a power couple. At a red light he put his other hand over mine so my hand was sandwiched between his. He didn't want to let me go. When the light turned green he gunned it and we flew like nothing could stop us.

We said our goodbyes and "I love you"s. We had said our "I love you"s all morning.



I am so in love with this man.


It's such a risky situation. I am absolutely opening myself up to get my heart broken. I am setting myself up for a possible extreme disappointment.

I just feel like at this point, nothing in my life feels more right than what I have with Carson.

If we move to Conneticut, we're together. If we stick around here, he's still going to refuse to let me believe we're in a relationship. So long as he has work under the table and cannot provide stability for even himself, he will insist that I be open should someone better than him come along.

I'll be realistic about our situation. I know that you "can't live on love alone." As long as he is involved in his crap around here, we can't consider ourselves a couple. It's not going to work out.

Conneticut gives him a chance for the life he wants, the life that lends itself to us being together. The life that allows him to make money doing what he loves "on the books." Conneticut is his second chance. No one deserves it more than he does. He is a rare and good man who has made some major wrong moves in his life. He's so realistic about the errors in judgement he's made in the past that have led him to where he is. We talk about it, we make jokes, but it really is serious. He finally has an opportunity to fix everything that has gone wrong. It's going to be a long road for him, but there's finally hope at the end of the tunnel, real, honest to God, hope.

I can't wait to see what happens next. I hope everything works out for him.

I hope everything works out for me too.

The changes it would bring to my life would be so good for me. I would be thrown out of my comfort zone. I will have no Springfield to run home to and hide when things get difficult. I will have no friends to sit around and get drunk or stoned with when I want to escape my own life. Being lazy will not be an option. I will be working hard. I will be focused on my own life, reading again, writing again, and just generally re-defining myself. I feel like I can take on the world when Carson is around. I feel strong, independent, happy, and like I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I've never felt that way before. There is a constant calm when we're together. All the scattered thoughts in my head align themselves and my life makes sense.

The next few months with us are going to be extremely interesting.

I crave "interesting."

Every guy in my life right now is but a mere distraction from the empty space in my heart.




If you haven't noticed by that first line this is going to be a dramatic post.


D.J. got back in contact with me. I know all he wants is to smoke with me and have sex. He is a good guy and never does that. He's known by all his friends as the nice guy, the one who always gets taken advantage of in every situation. Because he is a good guy, he's an easy target for them. He gets nervous around women. For some reason he feels comfortabe with me and needs some love. Giving it to him would distract me from everything I'm feeling for Carson. I almost got together with him before I ever met Carson. I definitely deserve more than what I'd have with D.J. What I'd have with D.J. would be cheap, short-lived, and completely about instant gratification. On the other hand, maybe I need some carefree, no deep connection, instant gratification in my life right now.


I also saw Isaac today. I went to go see Erin at work, but I knew I'd run in to see Isaac. I had originally picked out a cute outfit to wear at home for D.J. After work I wanted to see what he was doing. Turns out he was tied up, but that's no reason to waste all that good planning! lol So on my way to see Erin (and her new bunny) I caught Isaac on the casino floor. I love the way he looks at me. Just like when I was working there, when the crowd parted and he saw me walking his way he broke out into a smile and our eyes were locked. I know that man is in love with me. It's half of the reason I broke up with him. I KNOW I don't feel the same. He was my rebound after Carson the first time. I did have strong feelings for him, even loved him for a period of time, but it didn't last. We are complete opposites, but unlike most people in his life, I see him for who he really is. He lets his guard down around me. I needed that. I very selfishly needed that. He was talking to the same gaming commission officer he always seems to be talking to when I walk his way. The officer actually laughed before I even got too close to them. Isaac had been compltely engrossed in their convrsation and the second he saw me he turned his entire body towards me, couldn't take his eyes off of me, and still tried to respond to everything the officer was saying. Then the officer looked my way, laughed, and said, "there she is." When I got close enough to hear them the officer started walking, we exchanged a glance, he smiled knowingly, nodded at me, and continued walking away. Then Isaac gave me the longest, tightest, most excited hug I've had in a long time. He still looks and smells incredible. He took me by the arm and we walked around the floor for a minute or two. We caught up, commented on how good we thought the other looked, exchanged the info that we are both currently single, and he told me he wants to take me to dinner. He gave me his new number. Yet again, that would be an incredible distraction, but in this case I don't think I could do that to him. I really do care about him and I don't want to play with his feelings that way. The last time we went out together (after we were broken up) he asked me to marry him. It was ridiculous, but he was stone-cold serious. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable situations I've ever been trapped in. Still, the way he looks at me...I could use a little of that in my life right now. Not to mention the mind-blowing sex. That would definitely be a better distraction than D.J.

That brings me to my third distraction. Billiam Stoltz. I have always had a blast with this guy. I justify it by telling myself that if we lived in the same city we would be together in a heartbeat. I already got him to agree that he would come down here. I just need a weekend off and to get in contact with him to let him know when that is. It is probabaly the healthiest distraction and the one I'll most likely pursue. It just clearly is not the most convenient. He is so far away. Too far away to distract myself regularly, but also too far away to get too attached. I do think that if situations were diffrent that Bill and I could have something great, but we will never get the chance to figure that out. It is why we have the perfect "no-strings" relationship.


Well, I guess it's decided. I need to try to see Bill ASAP.


Either that or by some miracle Carson comes back into my life suddenly able to give me everything we both deserve.


Yeah.....living outside of reality is fun...

Carson and I are over.


I don't even know how it escalated. Well, I guess I do, but I don't have the energy to think about it. Basically, I knew I'd get to a point where I'd need more. I was always afraid I would lose him if I admitted that to him. I was right. I've been needing more from him for a while now and we've both just kept quiet. We stretched this thing out for as looooong as we could. We let ourselves fantasize about futures together. In the end, it was all for nothing. It never really mattered after all.

I'm being bitter.

I know it meant something, but I just so badly don't want to go through this again. If he wants to let me go, I'll go. I'm not going to chase him. Miss him every day? Yes. Chase him? Not in this lifetime.

I just don't get how it got to this. I still don't understand why we couldn't see each other more than we did.

I can't believe I might just not ever see him again.




He's just going to disappear.

He told me he couldn't take any more bad news. I gave it to him anyway. He told me many times that I was all he had and I can't do it. I need more. I can't just be friends with Carson either, it doesn't work that way.

I'm pissed because after everything all he can say is (in a nutshell) "It's killing me to know I'm not gonna see you anymore, but I'm ok with it." Guess what? I'm NOT ok with it. I meant it when I said I loved him more than I've ever loved someone. To just lose him seems absolutely unacceptable.


I fucking hate the guys I end up with, I really fucking hate them.



I need to get MY shit in order. I just got a temporary promotion at work. I'm on vacation for 9 more days, but when I get back I'm taking over the manager's position until they find someone for the job. I don't want the job. It's not that I'm not capable of doing it. I'm more than capable. I just can't get my heart in it. I need to find something I can put my heart into.

Anyway, with the temporary promotion comes a temporary monthly bonus. Starting in August, I will be transitioning into a good place financially.

I came up short on Rent because 2 new payments started this month, one payment was higher than expected, and a bonus I was suppossed to get in this week's paycheck wasn't there.

Thankfully I have good friends named Lauren who are there for me in a tight spot. :-)

My dad gave me shit, but he couldn't give me any more than $50.

Whatever. In a few days I'll be able to worry about getting financial shit in gear. The latest it's going to be is 2 weeks from now.







.....I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to see Carson.

I don't know what I'd do if I saw him. I don't want to have dramatic conversations. I really don't want him to touch me right now. I'm just amazed that, just like that, it's done. There's nothing left to be said. He's going to disappear from my life as though he never existed.

Son of a bitch.

I really was in love with him too.

The worst part? I know he was telling me the truth when he said he loved me. I know he was telling me the truth when he said I was pretty much the only family he had.

How could he just let me go?????

How???


WHY doesn't he see that he can have such a better life than what he's got???



I'm actually drained.

I blame the massive amounts of substance abuse I'm enduring right now. :-) Small bottles of wine are great ideas. When/If I get the money for it, I'm filling the fridge with wine coolers. Then I'll just drink them until I can't remember what his mouth tastes like, or the way he lights me up when he laughs. Just give me my small bottles of wine.

I'm going to throw away the Axe in the closet he has here because I want to forget what he smells like. Give me my small bottles of wine.

I want to shake off the feeling of his hands on my shoulders, or around my waist. Give me my small bottles of wine.

I want to stare him in the eyes for one second when I'm crying just to see what his eyes reflect back. Give me.

my small bottles.

of wine.

I don't get it.

My financial situation is so fucked right now.


Not as fucked as some people's, but still fucked. I am finally paying for my addiction to shopping. I was so good about it for so long (when it was all I had to worry about), but now my list of monthly expenses is way longer than I ever expected it to be! I pay for everything except my cell phone:

Rent
Water
Electric
Gas
Car Insurance
Car Payment
Citifinancial Loan
Student Loan
Ikea
Express
Victoria's Secret
Mastercard
Comcast
Old Navy

Not to mention normal living expenses like Gas and Food. I also have an amazing cat that needs food, litter, a haircut, and a check-up at the vet. On top of that, I would like to have SOME fun money to enjoy my life a little bit. Some savings and an air conditioner would be nice too.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for a paralegal certificate program when I'm ready. I was hoping to count on my citifinancial loan to do that, but I was so fucked due to the car accident that that option has already been exhausted.

I might not make all my payments this month. I'm worried about all of them, but Rent bothers me more than anything. Carson gives me perspective on my financial situation that calms me down. Still, I can't just accept that I won't have a bill in order that affects others. The rest of the bills will suck if they can't get paid on time, but that's my own issue to deal with. I'll figure it out. Rent is a mandatory pay on time situation. I know, I know, tons of people owe landlords back rent and they just have to pay a late fee. I just can't be the one that slacks like that. We are all struggling.

I kind of like that I'm struggling, in a way. I'm handling all these things on my own. I'm landing, however shakily, on my own two feet. When I think about it, although I'm poor, the sense of autonomy it gives me feels incredible. I may JUST be scraping by, but I'm learning how to get better at it with each fuck up. I just hope that all my fuck-ups and unpreventables at this stage in my life don't affect me too negatively in the future.




Also, I'm thinking of moving to Conneticutt. It's pretty much a 1 in 100,000 probability, but the idea is out there. Carson got a great job opportunity and an amazing place to stay near New Haven. When he discussed it with me, I was a little sad at the news, but excited for him. He was so upset when he told me. He wasn't excited in the least even though this is like a dream come true for him. He got really emotional, and he doesn't get that way. He told me he was unsure of what he was going to do. What it all boiled down to is that he so badly does not want to leave me that he is leaning towards not seizing this opportunity. When I told him that was unacceptable, he was shocked. He said he thought I'd be flattered.




As much as I want things to work out with us, I'm not sure they will. That's why I have yet to REALLY let all my walls down. Our situation is iffy at best, although I know there are real and strong feelings there. There's something special. This has been evolving ever since we started speaking again. To lose each other now would be devastating.

I just don't understand. We are constantly talking about how we are not in a relationship. Yet, he is going to pass this up to stay close to me? If that's the decision he's making then does it mean we are going to try harder to work things out? If that's not what it means than I am even further confused. I want to romanticize the whole situation the way I used to with other ex-boyfriends. However, because of those ex-boyfriends, I can't. I have a wall up around me so thick I forget what the unclouded, innocent side of life looks like.


If I'm the only thing holding him back, I want to go with him.

We are so not ready for that, but I know that if I bring it up he's going to jump on the idea immediately. Either that or he'll make up a different reason as to why the trip got "cancelled" so I'll feel ok about his staying here.


Fuck this, I'm going to go watch Weeds. Too much stress in this post!

Gene and Kat make me sad for Me and Brian.

I think both of us focus on what was horrible about our relationship. I think we forget the good. I think we forget the friendship. I think we forget the fact that we are two awesome individuals who got to share a few years of life together. I think he could do great things with his life. I think I could do great things with mine.

I miss him immensely sometimes, like tonight. I miss him so badly I could have him back in my life in any respect, just to joke and laugh together again. I don't care how fucking gay that sounds, I mean it. He was an extremely important part of my life that I enjoyed every second of. There was something about him that made me feel like we were meant to be together.

I can't wait to feel that way again.

Tonight though, I miss him. I wish he were here, enjoying life with me. The Incubus song "Wish You Were Here" IS our fucking song because every meaningful moment in my life, I wish he was here. It used to hurt not to have him here. Now, it doesn't hurt. It's like a distant and fading memory, but still there's a pull on my heart. I wish he were here, just to enjoy every good moment. I would part with him at the end of the night, giving each other chaste hugs as we parted ways to meet our significant others. I miss goofing off with him. I miss having fun with him. I miss feeling inspired by him.

Seeing Gene and Kat though, it makes me sad for me and Brian. We tried living together and we fell apart so badly no friendship could even be salvaged. They are doing the same thing. I guess timing is everything. If you date someone at the wrong time, you end up losing them forever. That's how sex and relationships ruin everything. That's why I'm terrified of relationships.

When I look at Gene and Kat I see how so many times I just didn't understand where Brian was coming from. I get it now, but it's because I realize how neither of us were ready for the relationship we had. We loved each other, but wanted different things out of life. We still each had so much to go through before being ready for a future together. That's what killed us. We were too young and going on two seperate paths to get to "time to be committed for life". We were better off as extremely intimate friends.

Sometimes I wonder if that's all Carson and I will ever be, extremely intimate friends.


Well, I think I should probably go to bed being as birds are singing and I have to get up for work before too long. I may regret posting sometimes because it gives me an outlet when I'm intoxicated. Still, no matter how intoxicated the post, I'm glad I have a venue to spill the truth of my deepest thoughts into.



More so now than ever I wish he were here as a friend. I'm seeing Carson, and I wouldn't give that up for anything. I really am in love with him in a way I never thought I could be. It's on a different level and is 100% the love I want in my life. Still, through it all, I wish I still had the friendship and connection I had with Brian.

My life has become one compiled of lists. I sit down to type and all I can think of is an outline of what I want to say:

1. WHY I'M UPSET
a. I have no money
- All-State isn't answering my calls
- I owe $400 to Enterprise ASAP
- I owe $400 to Dr. Schmuckler ASAP
- I have to buy a car. A piece of shit cheap car.
- I have to take on a monthly car payment for that piece of shit.
- I shopped a LOT while I was living at home...
- I spent a lot on furniture at IKEA

b. My job is lack-luster
- I need to work harder and excel at it. Why not, right?
- Looking into other things will help me figure out what I REALLY want to do
- I love the job now, will I love it a year from now???
- Office work is going to be better for me.

c. Relationships is my life are all dysfunctional
-Carson: Broke my heart again. I knew it was going to happen, and I willingly let
it...again. I let him into my life. A large part of me knows that he's hurt too
over this. The difference is, he has the power to remedy the wedge that keeps
getting driven bewtween us, I don't. I am in total denial about Carson. I
can't admit to myself that it's time to just leave it alone and let it go.
-D.J.: When I finally decided to force myself to move on, I made a date with D.J.
He is 31 and he looks a lot like Carson. He is someone I almost had something with
before I met Carson. I was always attracted to DJ. Everything about him made me
smile. He really is a sweet guy. He's Melissa's ex-boyfriend. The three of us used
to hang out at his place. Anyway, the date got canceled out of nowhere and I was
told he'd call me in a few weeks. I had flashbacks. It felt like Carson all over
again.
-Danny: I know he's good for me. We've been hanging out a lot. When I was bummed out
tonight he made me feel better. I found myself wanting to hear his voice. I've
never seen him this way before. I was on the phone with him wishing he had already
moved in so he could be right there next to me. We made dinner together last
night. It was awesome. Still, I don't know if I want to cross that friendship line
with him. People don't break up, and remain friends. If we broke up and he ended
up dating someone new, I just couldn't be around it. That's what would drive me
insane, I would lose the friendship. I value Danny's friendship so much I don't
know if I want to risk it. I did with Brian, and look what happened there. In the
end it made it worse and harder to get over. I wasn't just losing a boyfriend. I
was losing an absolute best friend, someone who had a huge piece of my heart. It's
been easier to get over Carson because we weren't such good friends outside of
our relationship. I don't know if I could risk a relationship with a friendship
on the line as strong as what I had with Brian. Danny is definitely on
that level...and even above it. I've been friends with Danny since way before I
ever knew Brian. We go back almost 10 years. Can you imagine what a catastrophe
it would be if we weren't each other's match? I'm too afraid to lose him. That
night we almost took it far beyond the line he kept asking me what I was afraid of
and I kept telling him not a thing. The truth is I'm petrified. I'm scared I'm
going to lose him. I love that he is in my life now more often than he ever has
been. I love that he's so close. I don't want to give that up to someone else.


Ok, now I am off to look at shitty POS cars to potentially buy tomorrow.

May was a crappy month.


I was on a lot of pain medication. Throughout all of my experimentation with different drugs in and after college I always made a point of staying away from pills. This month all the sudden I was constantly messing with Percocet, Vicodin, or some form of either of those.

I'd have to say that I am 100% glad May is almost over.

I've been so broke because of the accident. I've had this rental car for almost a month and still haven't gotten my settlement money. They are disputing liability so I don't even know if I'll be reimbursed for the $500 or so I've already paid for the damn rental car, not to mention all the money I will still owe the longer I have it. The settlement isn't nearly enough to purchase a new car so I now have to take on a car payment. I wasn't expecting to have to do that for at least another 5 years.

Carson has disappeared. He got in touch with me to let me know things weren't going well for him and he misses me. I don't know how to let him go. Well, actually, I do. It's pretty simple, I just refuse to see him when he decides he has time again and reaches out to me. I ignore all messages, and make sure to tell him I don't think it's a good idea for us to stay in touch. I just don't want to do that. I, above all else, care so much about him. I keep telling myself that I can still have him in my life as a close friend, but from past experiences I know that will just cause unnecessary heartache and won't work out in the end anyway. Why bother? I guess we will see what happens. All I can think about is how much I wish he was at least doing well and getting a chance to pursue things that make him happy. I want him to come home to me at the end of the day and relax for whatever time he can. I want to put him first, because no one else does and he deserves someone who will be there for HIM for a change. Everyone in his life takes advantage of him.

I've become bored with my job. I love the products and I love the girls I work with, but it just isn't anything more than a pitstop in the journey of my life. I respect the job, and I respect the company, but it's just not where I feel I'm meant to be for an extended period of time.

I've really been thinking lately about what my passions are and trying to help guide myself to follow those passions. I always knew I enjoyed writing. Every time I sit down to write I feel very free, extremely light, and content with everything in life. Lately though I've realized that writing is a hobby of mine, but not something I want to turn into a career. The writing I most enjoy is deeply personal to me. I believe the reason I've had writer's block for so long is because I've been subconsciously pressuring myself and censoring what I type for an audience that does not even exist!

So I've been doing some deep meditation, trying to clear my head, and remind myself of what else in life I'm passionate about. It didn't take too long to find something else that has always been a part of who I am. It was so clear to me that I can't believe I hadn't thought about it since high school. I have always been a strong advocate of equal rights for all citizens. Civil Rights is a cause I have been voicing my opinion about since I was a little girl and didn't even know what the term meant. In high school Chris and I used to dream about being members of the ACLU. So, that being said, lately I've gone back to thinking about becoming a paralegal. It is something I contemplated when I first came home from college. I had researched it a bit, but let the thoughts fade once my grant-writing position came up. It is an expanding field and easier to get started in than grant-writing. I even know what my goal would be if I travel down that path. I would want to eventually become a full time paralegal for the ACLU. Who knows? If this is something I'm meant to do, then I may even see more opportunities arise. I would never say never to anything, and if I enjoy law as much as I think I will, I may even begin to think about taking the LSATs. It's never too late, right?

It's definitely time to grow up. I feel as though I'm anticipating large changes in my life. I have a feeling that very hard work is in my near future. I'm just trying to figure out whether I want to do a post-baccalaureate certificate program or just apply for some positions and see what happens. I also have not yet decided whether or not I want to wait until September to do this so I will have a summer that is more relaxed. Another big point for thought is that I need to make stabilizing my financial and car situations my top priorities.

Ok, time for bed. I have to be up in 5 hours. Woo hoo! I looooove not being able to sleep at night or sleep in the next day! It's such fun times!!!


I'm such a complainer.

I was in a horrible car accident yesterday. I had just dropped off the rent check and was on my way to PNC to deposit my SAFE DRIVIG BONUS from All-State. I pull up to Chew St, waited til the light turned yellow, looked both ways, saw the light turn red, then proceeded to make my left. It was pouring rain. This Hyundai Elantra comes flying out of nowhere, going 35-40 mph and there was no avoiding it, she was going to hit me pretty hard.

She rammed into my driver's side door at full force. My window immediately shattered and I spun in the middle of the street. I stopped, took a breath to make sure I was ok, not cut, and not bleeding, then pulled over to the side of the road. I saw her face right before the impact. She had this, "What the fuck did I just do" expression on her face.

I couldn't even move, I was in shock. She came over to see if I was alright. I muttered something almost incomprehensive about not being able to open my driver's side door. She helped me climb over the console and get out on the passenger side. My arm, back, neck, and shoulders all hurt. My head was a little sore from smacking the headrest so hard.

She looked at me so helplessly and said, "So...do you know what we're suppossed to do?"

She was a 20 year old (just had a bday April 4th) LaSalle student who was on her way to work. She called her dad while I called 911. I called Carson immediately.

The rest is kind of a blur. I called my dad for my All State info, being as my new insurance card is sitting at home on the kitchen counter. I told him briefly what happened. I called All-State and got a claim started.

I got my car towed to a Collex collision center. I think God stepped in to bring the Collex guy to me. There were a few people right at my heels trying to get me to have them tow my car. I was too out of it to process anything, and I didn't know what to do or how to figure out what was the best decision to make. Then Collex man, Joe, came on the scene as I was dealing with AAA on the phone. He got me talking to him and I cancelled AAA. The paramedic and the officer all assured me they had seen Joe around before and he was a good, trustworthy guy. So I took a chance.

Not only did this guy ease my mind about my car, he eased my mind about everything. He stood by me on the side of the road trying to make me laugh and talking about his new fancy phone. (He was an older guy, a real sweetheart). When he got my name he said, "Hey! Paisana!" I laughed and said "Si, signore." Then he asked for my number and I sarcastically said, "Want me to give it to you in Italian?" (he was Irish, I had to mess with him). So I gave him the number in Italian and then looked down at the sheet on which he had so definitively written the numbers down. It was all wrong, but it did make me laugh.

So this whole time he was trying to track down a car rental facility that would be open by the time we got there and who had a car to give me. It seemed like it wasn't going to happen so I called Nic to see if her and Kat could come pick me up, drop me off at the hospital, and come back for me. I got in Joe's car with him and he drove me back to the collision center where my car was being taken. He got on the phone with Nic to give her directions. The place was literally around the corner from our house.

We pulled up to the collision center and Joe spotted the Enterprise guy next door closing for the day. He convinced him to open back up for a minute and get me a car. So this is my first rental ever. A Ford Fusion. A car I was actually thinking about because it is (...was?) in my price range.

Nic and Kat showed up, but I had a rental at that point. I was still pretty out of it, so Joe explained all my information to them, everything that had happened, and what I needed to know from there on out. They were really great, especially Kat. She asked a few questions about how everything was going to be covered. She was really looking out for me. Nic was just trying to make sure I was ok. They both saw my car sitting in the lot, totaled.

I drove back home to grab something to eat and use the bathroom before going to the hospital, and made calls to everyone that had been trying to contact me. Carson and I were texting back and forth for a long time. He was extremely concerned about me, we talked on the phone for a bit, and he promised he would be there ASAP. He tried to get Jim to agree to let him turn around and drive back for me, but they were up by New York, HOURS away. I finally answered a call from Erin, it must have been about the fifth one. She asked me what was up, she sounded kinda down, and then I told her, "Um...I was just in a horrible car accident." She immediately answered, "Where are you? I'm driving there now, I just need to stop for gas."

She is one of the best friends I will ever have. She was there for me as quick as she could be and sat in the ER with me for 3-4 hours on a Friday night. We came back here, hung out for a bit, which was a LOT of fun. We read Saul Williams back and forth to each other, we watched a little Kat Williams, and we had some cookies and milk. It was awesome. I was on 2 prescription motrins and a percocet at that point.

Before too long Carson texted saying he was there and looking for a spot. Then Nic and Kat came home from the bar with some people. Everyone was having a great time, there were good people all around, and then there was a knock at the door.

I can't even explain to you how relieved I felt when I saw Carson standing there at the door. I didn't think I would feel right until I saw him.

We went on the back deck to have a cig with Erin. Then she went to bed and we talked for a while about the accident. He told me how he reacted when he saw the missed call and voicemail from me. He knew something was wrong, immediately looked at Jim and said, "It's Alley, something's not right." Then obviously, once he got the message he called me back immediately. I could hear in his voice on the call that it was killing him not to be able to be there with me. I was crying when I left him the message because it had JUST happened and my first instinct was to call him.

So we went up to my room and talked for a bit more. Nic came in at some point and laid between us lol I love her. She went on for a while about how I've become like a sister to her, and how I'm so awesome. I'm apparently a "Really COOL girl." It made me feel really good. I was nervous moving in here and not really knowing them, but I'm so glad I did. She also told Carson how much she liked him. Later, she sent me a text saying, "You guys are the best! I love it."

Then I got a 45min-an hour long massage. I believe he told me at one point in the past that he's licensed in massage. I believe it. He is soooooo good and definitely knows what he's talking about AND what he's doing.

He offered to talk to my liability advisor for me if need be. Jim offered me a CAR to drive around until mine was repaired so I didn't have to worry about the rental. This guy really is a sweetheart.

Then Carson referred to himself as my boyfriend and almost said, "I love you" again when he was walking out the door. He even told me, "I almost said it again." I wish he just would. I'm kind of glad he hasn't yet, because I don't want to start saying it all the time. That's what happens when you finally say it. You just keep saying it until it loses meaning and becomes mechanical. I like that it feels intense every time we're about to say it to each other. I like that we're making sure it's how we really feel before just blurting it out on impulse.

I really do think I'm going to marry this man. He is everything I have ever wanted and I am strong enough to handle his schedule when it isn't ideal.

He's coming to Christina's wedding with me so she'll at last get to meet him. I'm so glad he's coming. I can't think of a better way to celebrate watching one of my most beloved friends get married to her perfect match, then sitting there with mine.

Ok, time to start thinking about all the shit I have to do today before going out tonight with Nic and Kat. :-)

Oh, speaking of, last night Nic said something to Carson about it being a shame he can't come around that much, and he said, "Actually, that's not true" and said that he would be around more often.

Since I met this man all I've wanted was to be with him. He is perfect for me. However, I've always known that it wouldn't go anywhere because of circumstances. I would always fantasize that we said, "Fuck the circumstances" and now here we are, two years later, completely out of the blue. It has been 6 months since we started speaking again and things have just slowly developed between us. It has been this incredible unraveling of the web of obstacles that stand in our way. It has been this slow process of getting to know each other inside and out, and I don't know what I would do without him at this point.

I'm so in love with him. I didn't think I would ever find something so true, so genuine, and so intense again. This is the real deal. I have got to be one of the luckiest girls in the world to have found that again and to have found that with a man as amazing as Carson.

He's in love with me and it's an indescribable happiness. He's as in love with me as I am with him.